It has been some time since I last posted, but to be quite honest, sitting on the couch all day doesn't really give me a lot to work with to update my blog, so I thought I'd wait until I had something worthy to post. With that being said, almost all of my doctors that I have seen here and in Philadelphia were doubtful that I'd make it to 32 weeks in this pregnancy after having the surgery, which was a huge factor that played into our decision as to whether we should do it or not. They told me that typically most women delivered 9-10 weeks after having the surgery done. I had just barely hit the 21 week mark when I had surgery. But we both felt like it was the right thing to do, trusted out Heavenly Father and our decision, and did it. I'd just like to announce that today I am 34 weeks! Yep, that's right all you doctors who went to school for a million years and told me I couldn't do it. I not only have left Philadeliphia (which doesn't happen... almost all moms that have the surgery stay until they deliver) flown the furthest after having the surgery done, have stayed pregnant and had great ultrasounds every week since being home. : )
Of course I want to make it all the way to 37 weeks, but with all of the horror stories I heard of women going into labor pretty early after they had the surgery, I set a goal to at least make it to 34 weeks.... and here we are. :) I cannot even begin to express how grateful I am that I have not only had really great ultrasounds each week, but that I am still carrying my sweet baby boy inside of me. I will admit, some days (a lot of days) it is really hard to keep it all in perspective. I feel like I have been living an alternate life for the past 3 months and I am just ready to have our life back! It has been a huge lesson for me to learn how to ask others to do things for me ALL DAY LONG. I have always felt that I am independent enough to do things on my own and have a hard time asking for others to do everything for me. I have never wanted to clean my own house so badly!!! It has been a really big struggle for me to be completely at the mercy of everyone else. If I need something brought to me, if dinner needs to be made, if something needs to be cleaned, if Noah needs something, if I want to do anything, if I have to be driven anywhere, if I need help getting dressed or going down the stairs... I simply have to ask and wait for someone else's time and energy for it to be done. Every one has been so great and patient at helping (especially my sweet husband) I am sure it can't be easy for me to always be asking for help, but it is really difficult just not being able to get up and do anything myself! More importantly though, I have never wanted to be a full functioning mother so badly. It seriously breaks my heart every day when Noah asks me to pick him up or go play with him and I can't. I know that he won't remember this little period in his life, but I will. Some days I feel like the worst mom ever since I can't even change his diaper or be left alone with him. As much as I have enjoyed seeing different friends and family all day, I hate that I have to always have someone here or someone to come pick Noah up for the day. I am his mother and I should be the one that plays with him and helps him and takes care of him. But I guess I am being a good mom to my other son now, and in the end it is all for the best. Some days (a lot of days) I just have to go into a room by myself and just cry for a couple minutes. I still know that the surgery was the best option possible to help our sweet boy, and that everything is going to work out and he is going to be totally ok, but on those rough days I sometimes feel like I can't handle it all. I am so sick and tired of going to doctors appointments every week and hearing them speculate about my baby boy and what they think might happen after he is born. I know they went to med school and all, but remember when they told me I wouldn't make it past 31 weeks and now I have? It kind of makes my blood boil working with all of the different doctors because they each have their own opinion of what MIGHT happen, but I am grateful for all of the amazing help they have been. I know their intentions are good. They want to make sure we are prepared for any scenario that might happen so that we have no surprises, but we have made it to this point by being optimistic and taking it one day at a time. That is all we can do to keep perspective and sanity... I guess you could just say I have had my fair share of doctors opinions and advice with prognosis all across the spectrum.** Rant over**
Theses past couple of months have given me a lot of time to sit... and to think about what I am grateful for. Every day I try to think of something new that I am grateful for. I have also been trying to set goals for when I can be a real person again, like what kind of mom, wife, friend and daughter I truly want to be. It has also taught me so much about trusting and relying on my Heavenly Father. I can't believe how blessed we have been throughout all of this, and I know it has been because our Heavenly Father has been watching over us. It's been amazing how much I have felt my testimony of the gospel grow, and how much closer Dante and I have become as a married couple. This journey has changed my life forever, in a positive way, and we have had so many positive experiences that I know will shape my life for the better. It has been great with how many friends and family have been so willing to step up and help us, we definitely couldn't have done it without you guys. Thank you for all of the time and energy you have sacrificed to be here with us, helping us in our time of need. I hope that one day I will be able to repay the favor to each of you.
We are still waiting to hear when my C-section is scheduled for, but I know I am not allowed to go past 37 weeks, which is July 19th... so we are down to about 20 days folks! I can do anything for 20 more days, right? Hopefully. I am not nervous for this baby to come, I am anxious. I can't wait for him to get here. I am so excited to bring him home and to love him and kiss him and to teach Noah how to be a good big brother to him. I feel like we have been so caught up on surgery and just needing to stay pregnant that I haven't had time to really get excited for him to come... as sad as that sounds, it is true. I have been trying to do things every day to help me remember that we really are excited for him to join our family! I have washed and organized all of Noah's old baby clothes and we FINALLY picked a color to paint his room. I am looking forward to this next chapter in my life of being a mother of two little boys (my dream come true).
And lastly, but definitely not least, I am looking forward to hitting the gym again! I know in the grand scheme of everything, me giving up working out and teaching classes for a couple of months is not that big of a deal, but it really has been hard to have to give up that part of my life temporarily... and I feel like a big fatty just sitting on the couch all day...Usually when I am stressed out or sad or need a release or a break or to burn off some steam or to talk to my friends or to get out of the house or to simply be happy, I go to the gym . I'd say throughout this journey I have felt every single one of those emotions multiple times, and I can't even go on a walk to help cope with them. Needless to say, once this baby of mine is born, I will be SO excited to go back to teaching and seeing all of my gym rat friends every day!
Once again, thank you to all who have helped and are continuing to help us. Please continue to keep us in your prayers, although we are close, this journey is definitely not over yet. I will keep everyone updated as to when our C-section will be scheduled for... if we EVER hear back from the doctor..ok really, my rant is over...